Cause I’m alright

March 28, 2011 at 6:19 pm (Random)

So I post this song this way and not the actual Billy Joel video for two reasons. One because I was channel surfing in my car during lunch and it was on, which triggered a great smemory (see previous post for definition). And two, I use to loved this show. I don’t care if it is the bane on Tom Hanks’ existence, I loved it.

I often joke to my friends on the anniversary of my birth that I was a missed stroke and pull out away from not being here. That it is a celebration of teenage promiscuity and unprotected sex. Which is true for a lot of us, since I don’t know of many 16 year old girls in the mid 70s who wanted to have a baby while still in high school. Since I was born though I have been handed to, shipped to, driven and bused to various people in my family. I have placed in a lot of situations by the people who professed to love me and who were charged with protecting me that no child and/or adolescent should ever have to endure. Since I can remember some variation of the word different has been used to describe the molecules that make up my existence. I have had to dig through trenches of negativity to come out on the other end and embrace my “different-ness” as something to be proud of and encouraged, not hidden and ashamed. There are sounds and smells that even now will trigger conversations and events from my past that will send me to the darkest corner to hide. The coping mechanism I used the most (and still do) is logic. If I can’t get it to reason out in my mind how things should be (in my world where all things make sense) then it isn’t real. And if it isn’t real then it can’t hurt me because this isn’t the way it’s suppose to be.

My life cycle is about every 5-6 years so I know I’m due for more change. I just haven’t figured out if it’s for the better or not. Because of my colorful upbringing or maybe in spite of, when generally dealing with people; I will trust you until you give me cause not to. However, once my trust is gone there is little chance of it ever coming back. So if I don’t trust you I can’t be around you. I don’t friend easy but I do friend forever. It takes some pretty big circumstances to lose my friendship. When I love I love hard. I am sad to say I have chosen badly when it comes to love. The few men I have given my heart to weren’t ready for it and they’ve used and mistreated my four chambered muscle. One I don’t blame because I knew it wasn’t going to last and I was settling. We were complete opposites in every sense of the word. The other I honestly thought I would be with him until my last breath. And when he left I forgot how to breathe for a while. I gave him my whole heart and I forgot to keep some of it for myself. I changed a lot after he was gone. I became colder and less tolerant and understanding of men discarding my feelings like they were expendable. The last one, snuck up on me. I didn’t realize I gave him a piece of my heart until he gave it back to me. I was a bit shocked. To myself, I was like, “How’d he get that?”

I started this blog in 2006 at the suggestion of my best friend Raquita. I had surgery and literally couldn’t lift anything but my fingers. It’s my blog , I just don’t think anyone reads it besides my little sister and my best friend. So I get giddy when people I don’t know read my blog and leave comments. Then I recently found out I actually have subscribers (my inner girl squealed). So to all who read my words I thank you. I hope they do more good than harm. Writing, for me, is therapy. It keeps me from acting out the violent urges I brain sometimes creates (I could never make the insanity plea stick, I think too much) . It also, helps me put my feelings into words so I can express them to other people. This was suppose to be a drive by post. I have no clue where all the rest of this came from. If it isn’t clear or doesn’t flow well, I apologize. I’ve been rather scatter brained as of late.

P.S. I’m still waiting to be someone’s snail mail pen pal. I bought stamps and everything.

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More than words

March 25, 2011 at 4:58 pm (Venting)

I had this really great idea for a post and I started to pre-post it in my head. Then I thought I should probably write it down so I won’t forget anything. Wouldn’t you know it, that by the time I found a notebook and pen I forgot half of what I wanted to say. We’ll just chalk that one up to my new old age.

It’s true when they say, “What a difference a day makes”. You all know how I like to use movie lines and song lyrics to title my post, right? Well I went to sleep with Shout, by Tears for Fears, in my head. I woke up though with More Than Words by Extreme, which was perfect (hence the video). I also woke up with a poem and a different song, Show Me, from the movie My Fair Lady. So I have two posts (maybe three), the one I wrote last night and the poem and maybe one more (look at me rockin out the blog).

I love words. I mean I really love words. I like when the same word can have a different meaning depending on contexts. I like the fact they sound different in different languages and when you incorporate tone and inflections it gives them even more dimension. I am a word nerd. So much so the game on phone is : http://www.freerice.com/ With my unwavering devotion to the written word, it pains me to concede that sometimes words aren’t enough (ouch, that hurt a little).

There are times when you have to back up your words with action. It is also said, that actions speak louder than words. My normal retort to this would be, you’re using the wrong words, invest in a Thesaurus. However, in some case I suppose its true. No matter how many times you say something, if what you do is the polar opposite, then your words become empty. They become: subject, verb, noun, adjective, adverb, punctuation. This is why I try to be a person of my word. If I say I’m going to do something, I do it. If I say I’m going to be somewhere, I’m there. I once went to they symphony in sweat pants (CUZ I’M GANSTA LIKE DAT!!! No really though, I was so ashamed) because I forgot one of my close associates was scheduled to perform until the last minute. But I got there before she went on stage. If you are important to me, there isn’t anything I won’t do for you if it is with in my mortal powers. Now, if me thinking the people I would drop everything for should be willing to do the same for me is wrong then I need to tighten my network of people.

My word is my bond. Even before that phrase became a rappers cliché. My bestie told me I have a hard time letting people be human. I don’t know about that, I’m human…mostly…sometimes. I just don’t think its asking too much for those close to me (and those wanting to be close to me) to emulate their words with action. If not, eventually, I’m not going to believe anything you say.

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There’s a fine line

March 21, 2011 at 6:05 pm (Venting)

Outkast is the Jones and have been since they started underground. Cee-Lo, Erykah Badass, Big Rube, I love them all.

I started to title this post “Shake that load off” from this song but got on a tangent (like I am want to do) and changed it. That’s what I’m trying to do in my life, shake things off. I am finding that 2011 has become the year of reflection for me. I’m reflecting on everything: myself, my relationships, my job, my spirituality. Not necessarily in that order. I am also a little upset with myself that it’s taking so long to find clarity and a solution.

Most recently I’ve been looking at my friends. Seeing which ones to keep and which ones to let go. It’s not as nefarious as it sounds. I don’t have a chart with their names on it checking off the pros and cons of being in my circle. I’m not that important. I will say this though, I have a hard time letting my friends go. If I consider you a friend, that’s it, we’re friends forever. I know that isn’t a fair assessment or typically true. There are people that will be in your life forever that aren’t family. But there will also be people in your life for a season. They’re there to teach you something. Whether it’s a lesson about yourself, life, or the world, they’re not meant to be in your life forever. I have a hard time with this. My friends have always been my safety blanket. I stopped going to my family early in life to get affirmations and advise, comfort and productive instructions. Normally, growing up I did the opposite of what I saw my family do, with the exception of church. I use to go to church with my grandmother when I was younger but she stopped going and I didn’t go again until my aunt met her now ex-husband in my adolescence. I haven’t been to church regularly in about 5 years (which is probably why I’m so confused). Now, I tried posting a question on facebook but got no real responses. But I really want to know, when is it time to sever a relationship and let your friends go their separate ways?

I have been so over abundantly blessed when it comes to friends. My grandmother has always told me, “In life you will have few friends. You can count them on one hand and still have fingers left over.” I guess this is true. I try not to use the “friend” term too loosely. I think, like with most things, there are degrees of friends. But then, can they really be called your “friend”? I have people that I know, so when I see them on the street I will say hi and ask how they are (and actually care about the response). I have people that I associate with that I probably wouldn’t talk to socially. There are close associates that I would interact with but on a limited bases. Then I have my Friends (yes capital ‘F’). People that I go to with problems and use them as a sound board , hang out with on a random Tuesday, or make sure I call them and check on them if I haven’t heard from them in a while. These are the people I don’t have to talk to all the time but I know if I needed them they would be there for me in a breath. I don’t question the loyalty of their friendship. Some I’ve known for so long they’re not my friends anymore they’re my family.

Where my conflict comes from is when these people I considered my Friends stop being my Friends and become just people I know. A Friend of mine once equated those who fell from the capitol ‘F’ as slush. It’s still snow but its no longer white and pretty and its off to the side so it won’t be in the way. I don’t know when to let go. It does get frustrating to always be the person who checks up on people. Then as humans we like to get filled with righteous indignation (*snicker* sorry, private joke) when you don’t call them. “Why haven’t you called me?” “Why don’t I see you anymore?” I usually respond with, phones work two ways. They can dial out as well as receive calls. It makes me sad. Mainly, because they never offer any sort of reason why the stopped coming around. So you don’t know if you slighted them in some way, there’s no closure. Other times the reasons are clear and you know why they’re gone. I’m not referring to those instances. I’m referring to those instances where its hard for me to delete their contact info from my phone or un-friend/hide them on facebook. I remember their birthdays, I’ve slept at their houses, I know their parents, spent holidays with their family, hell I know their secrets and where the bodies are buried.

So what do you do when the people you thought would be next to you in the retirement facility become strangers? You don’t know if the contact info (you don’t want to delete) is even valid anymore. Do they stay in the same house? Has anything happened to them that had you been closer you would have known? When you see their facebook status updates about going out and having one hellacious ball, you wonder why you weren’t included? Did they even think to call and invite you? Maybe its as simple as just growing apart. Maybe something happened (whether you were aware of it or not) that caused a rift in the relationship. For me, I have a 198 contacts listed in my phone. Eighteen of those are doctors, businesses, and work numbers I use often. That leaves 180 people comprised of friends, family, associates, and people I know. Out of those 180 people there are maybe 15 people I talk to with any kind of regularity. And it’s not even every day I don’t talk to anyone on the phone everyday. I might g-chat my bestie every other day but we never shoot the breeze on the phone. Out of these 15 people I may talk to half once a month if not longer.

I don’t know how to resolve this current reflection. Maybe I care too much about people that don’t give me a passing thought. It is a quandary. I wonder dear internets if you are having the same issue I am?

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Drive by

February 24, 2011 at 4:24 pm (Poetry)

I did write a poem for Valentines Day. However, 1) it isn’t finished to my liking and 2) it’s entirely cliché to write a poem on Valentines Day. But I may post an excerpt. Haven’t decided yet.

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It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

February 24, 2011 at 4:07 pm (Venting)

Yes I know the song is by Lesley Gore but I grew up in the 80s and I liked the original Alvin and the Chipmunks with the Chipettes. No, I’m not old enough to have actually seen Lesley Gore, I just like music.

Six days from today I will be 34 years old. Now normally I am super geeked about celebrating my birthday and I usually throw this super huge very pimp-tacular party. All of my friends, and close associates come and we eat, and dance, and laugh, and play, and drink, and generally have one hellacious ball (as my grandmother would say). I start planning this party in November, have a cocktail party in January so the signature drink can be decided (Woo anyone), get my hair colored, and some new shoes (because I am a closet shoe whore). Raquita gets this cake made out of crack and every addiction known to man with a half naked picture of me on it from a boudoir session and we party from nine in the evening to around ten in the morning (that’s what happens when you can call three of the best DJs friend). My best friend then makes brunch for those who can kick it till the sun comes up. It’s great; I look forward to my birthday every year. It’s the only holiday I actively participate in consistently. However, I am finding it difficult to summon the energy to get excited about this coming birthday. I didn’t have a party last year but instead had a big dinner with a smattering of my close friends and family. But this year I don’t know what I want to do. I really don’t want to do anything. No party, no dinner, I don’t want to go out anywhere.

I would say it’s just me getting older but that isn’t true. Part of it is that I don’t have the second job and I need to keep a close eye on my budget. Since I’m a contract employee with my first job I don’t get regular vacation days. After I work so many hours I get a “vacation equivalent” check but I can’t take actual vacation days. Which sucks pretty hard, in my opinion. So for the first time since entering the work force I will be going to work on my birthday. My grandmother told me my birthday was a holiday so I didn’t have to go to school and/or work on my birthday. I am taking the day after my birthday off though because I was going to leave work early to go to a skills enrichment class for my sign language certification.

I have to say, I didn’t think I’d be in the space I’m in currently. I’ll be 34, still no kids (ok that’s not surprising), but I don’t own my home, haven’t been married, am not currently in a relationship, and am unfulfilled professionally. Thought I would be married by now living in a funky yet homey loft with a dozen or so stamps in my passport. Contemplating the possibility of maybe starting a family. Oh well, there’s no concerning myself with something that never happened.

Is it too late to say I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up?

As a side note to all of you internets out there who condescend to remember my birthday and offer me felicitations; I thank you in advance. Its always nice to know that being the byproduct of teenage promiscuity is remembered by someone other than my parents (oddly enough sometimes not even by them).

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Living all alone

February 18, 2011 at 6:27 pm (Venting)

I miss her. I was still young when she died but I’ve loved music for longer than I can remember and this woman was amazing. I remember being in the car in Vegas on the way to somewhere and heard about her death over the radio.

As the third week in February comes to a close, it is also the third week I have been without a second job. I applied to a couple of different places but they didn’t pan out. I’m trying to stay positive, but I’m feeling restless. I’m not use to having this much time on my hands. The upside is that I get to spend a lot of time with my bestie, the downside is that I find I have a lot of time to myself. I’m a solitary person normally, and normally it isn’t an issue. After much contemplation though, I don’t think I want to be by myself anymore.

Sidebar: I know you can’t see these moments of pause I have as I write this post but the visual I just go in my head after that statement was hilarious. Picture: white flags raising and heralds coming out to blow the horns of triumph as the gates (renaissance style) open and floods of men our through them to collect me. Oh wait, I just found a movie clip…

The movie is called Love Potion #9. One of the Sandra Bullock’s first. Yes, it is a cheesy romance comedy, but I like cheese.

Tangent…ok, I’m back.

I will be the first to admit that I don’t go anywhere to actually meet people. I will also admit to going to a dating website and I gave myself three months, but I didn’t see any profiles from anyone I would want to start communicating. Well, that’s not true there was a couple of people but they never responded back (insert pouty lip here). It’s been a really long time since I was in a relationship. With the last guy I dated, he just stopped coming around and stopped returning my phone calls. I don’t chase men, so I stopped calling. Let me also note that he had been my best guy friend for a decade. Fast forward 5yrs, and he finds me on facebook (big up to the social media…not), and told me he left because he started using drugs but it wasn’t me it was him. (o_0)
In what world would this be a valid reason for disappearing from the face of the earth like a fart in the wind? Anyway, he’s gone and the last pseudo-relationship I had when I moved to current state, lasted for two years….ended. He didn’t vanish like the other one but I did get a lovely text message (|>).

Sidebar: I’ve explained sarcasm flags (|>) in earlier post, so not going to explain them again. Go back and read. *smooches*

I am not a regular chick (big shock there, I know). I’m not really into material things and I can never keep track of our first kiss, first date, first etc. I used to be affectionate in my relationships but after the last two guys I don’t know if that’s changed. I don’t need a keeper or a savior I have God for that. A guy friend of mine once told me I was so easy, I’m complex. I’ll buy that fore a dollar (movie reference, who knows it). I have a low BS tolerance and I find that the guys I have met in my current city have an unwarranted sense of entitlement. I know the ratio here is like 10:1 and if one woman doesn’t take you crap another one will; which is sad. I’m okay being by myself if that’s all there is to offer out here but I also refuse to be with someone for the sake of being with someone.

So there it is internets (aka the 3-4 people who read my blog), I’d like to start dating but I’m afraid I may be too jaded to try. We’ll see how this turns out now that I’ve actually said it out loud.

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So long, Farewell

January 28, 2011 at 1:51 pm (Venting)

I’m torn. When I was originally did my mental pre-blog (what, like you don’t) I had the song from Sound of Music on my head but when I went to Youtube to get the video I saw the song, “So Long and Thanks for All the Fish”. It’s from the movie Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”. Awesome movie, well, at least it was till a fellow nerd of mine told me to read the books by, Douglas Adams. (stoopid nerds Ray and Grant). Now I can no longer like this movie since I know they crammed fived detailed creative books into an hour and a half. However, I can say that the actors they cast are all amazing in their own right. Why the rant, well I couldn’t decide which title and video to use. But it is my blog so I’m going to post both, yeah that’s it. Enjoy, and go see the movie, its a good laugh. As long as you haven’t and/or don’t read the book.

What am I saying goodbye you may ask? Lots of things it seems. It’s the end of the first month of a new year (Hello February). But it seems for the first time in six years I will only have one job. I’m leaving my second gig. It is not a happy circumstance. If I was given a choice (and clearly, I wasn’t) I would have stayed. I think I have antiquated ideas of work ethic should be. I was taught, if you work hard you will succeed. If you stick to your beliefs and show your worth you’ll be promoted. It’s a sad thing to have your entire work ethic come crashing down around your ears. To see it found lacking and unrealistic. What is even more interesting is that it’s happening at my first job as well. I can’t decide which management action I dislike more: the up front, direct slap in the face (open handed baby powder on the downswing) or the random implementation of procedures that have never been in effect until you wanted to get rid of all the senior associates that know you all are full of shit. Both hurt, and both makes one feel like their time and loyalty in the company was a waste of time. I’m going to need to ponder this further.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had “free” time. I’ve always been busy. Either with dance classes, martial arts, mentoring, or working. I’ve been too busy to do any of the former because I was busy doing the latter. Now, I just have this time. But I can’t afford to spend the money to attempt any classes. It’s daunting. Because my current mental state has not been as stable as I would like it to be this extra time I seem to find myself have an excess of isn’t really welcome. It means I’m going to have to start dealing with some things I haven’t wanted to think about. I have no excuse now, I have…time (shutters).

What do people during the week? I don’t even know? I do get to see my best friend more, so that’s cool.
One month down, eleven to go.

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Incubus

November 19, 2010 at 7:34 pm (Poetry, Venting)

When I thought of this title I was thinking more along the lines of the demon in male form from mythology who traditionally, lies upon female sleepers, in order to have sex with them. Specifically in religious traditions  when repeated intercourse with an incubus results in the deterioration of health, or even death. But then I thought about the band Incubus. I may look like a neo-soul-bluesy-R&B-old school hip hop kind of gal ( and I am) but underneath all those I like to rock it out (holding up the universal bull sign for WHOOO!!!!). Incubus (the band, not the demon) is awesome. I still listen the album Morning View. In fact, to go along with the theme of this post…

I have no introduction for this particular ranting but I needed to put it down.

You arranged letters
To bypass the barriers
Built to keep you at bay

Through five words
Relayed in passing
Seeds have been planted
And taken root

Watered by reflection
Photosynthesized by time
To bloom into revelation

In our time together
I never felt
Cared for
Nurtured
Needed
Or loved

You desired me
Craved me
Those
I felt

You
Savored me
Devoured me
Those
I experienced

You know me
And knowing
I think
You’re a liar
And a coward

Why
Would I
Believe
Anything
Sprouted
From you mouth

Our friendship
Was a lie
Our intimate moments
weren’t real

I always liked to play pretend
I understand now
I went too far into my head
Thinking something was real
When it wasn’t

I won’t
Be making
That mistake
Again

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Baby, it’s cold outside

November 3, 2010 at 7:03 pm (Random)

I looooovvvve this song. It’s one of my favorite winter songs. I don’t know why they only play it during Christmas.  It has nothing to do tinsel, trees, or sweet Lord baby Jesus.

I’m in a mood.  A woe-is-me, pity party table for one, Celine Dion singing “All by Myself” (the live concert version) sort of mood. Don’t worry, I won’t be jumping off any bridges anytime soon, although with Celine Dion it’s sort of touch and go (so you’re stuck with me).

Sidebar: One of the most beautiful death scenes I’ve ever seen was in a movie called Rules of Attraction. It does have James van der Dawson in it. But the creek aside it was a really good film. The cinematography for the death scene was fantastic and the movie itself is so worth watching.  I was going to put the clip on the blog but that seemed a bit morbid so just go rent the movie.

I blame my mood on the weather.  I think it’s because it’s getting colder and mammals are pre-disposed to procreate and hibernate for the winter. I mean who doesn’t like the idea of sitting next to a warm fire in the fireplace with a toasty beverage on a cold night. Just thinking about it makes my inner girl swoon in delight. When I look over the women in my inner circle I realize they all currently have significant others. And while I’m happy they have found people they are growing to love, I reserve the right to put on my green glasses of envy and make snarky comments (I’m not proud of this but they’re better people than me).

With the year coming to a close, I’m starting to reflect on the past 11 months; to review the lessons I’ve learned, the goals I’ve accomplished, the goals I still need to accomplish, the friends I’ve lost and made and lost again. It hasn’t been a bad year It just moved so quickly I could have sworn it was just May. However, if it was May I don’t want another August (see previous post).  

My inner gypsy is starting to wake up. So, I’m getting that… it’s time to move to a different (city, state, country). And before that chick went to sleep she said when we move again it will be out of the US.  So, I’m researching and making some plans. Time waits for no man and I don’t have anything keeping me here (in the States). 

I don’t know. I having a bit of the doldrums and I haven’t blogged in a bit so I thought I’d share.

As a side note: I do want to point out that no one sent me their address so I could write them a letter and sent it snail mail. But that’s cool. I write awesome letters and you all just missed out. So neener.

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Caught out there

September 1, 2010 at 6:42 pm (Venting)

One of the best break up songs ever. Although my post has nothing to do with a  break up the chorus just signifies how I feel.

Two words: August sucked. Yes, I know I could have been more eloquent but seriously, that about sums up my August. Apparently it’s not just my August that took a first class trip into sucks-ville because those closest to me have had a pretty trying go of it as well. The only good thing I can say that happened this month was that the new Sire to the Henderson house hold was born (Hi Remi). He kinda cute. I don’t know if I like him yet but as long as he stays relaxed and breezy then we’ll get along just fine. Truth be told it’s kinda hard not to like him (don’t tell him I said that).

Where to begin? I have to say that first and foremost I thank God for always watching out for me (even if I don’t deserve it). He is the only way I was able to get through this month. I may not actively go to church but I do know which God I serve and Who watches over me.

It started fairly early in the month. On the 2nd I had to get the tags for my car renewed and before then I had to get the emissions test. No big deal except they were suppose to be renewed in July. I got busy and had no money so I rode dirty for 24 hours (not fun).

Thursday the 5th I get a text saying my biological mother was admitted to the emergency room because of chest pains. She was later released due to no insurance but they “think” she may have a heart murmur. I have no idea how she is since we don’t talk but according to the grapevine (i.e. my grandmother) she’s fine.

Thursday night/Friday morning I driving home from my 2nd job and my car starts to run hot (in my best confused Scooby voice; Eurrrgh?)

On Saturday the 7th I spent the greater part of the morning ( yes damn me the morning, like 7:30 in the am) at a car repair shop for said issue and spent $438 to get Maxine up and running properly (my car’s name is Maxine Elizabeth Wade she is an ’02 Nissan Sentra).

Sunday the 8th my grandmother calls me at 11pm to leave a message on my voicemail to tell me that she was in the emergency room. The message went something like this: “Hey it’s me. My heartbeat was beating faster than normal so Brother ( her younger brother she just happens to call “Brother”) took me to the emergency room at St. Mary’s. You don’t have to come I’ve been here for a couple of hours by myself and they’re keeping me over night, Brother left a while ago. Just letting you know, call you tomorrow (you see the “is she serious” look on my face, right?). So they kept her in the hospital and she was suppose to be out by the following Thursday. As my older cousin reminded me I am the only accessible grandchild so I needed to be there for nothing else than to represent on behalf of the other grandchildren ( did I mention she has like 24 grand kids. I think I’m like the 2nd or third)

So, on the 11th of August I take the morning off from my first job and go visit my grandma. Now since Monday morning she’s been fine. On the Wednesday before I get there her heart starts beating fast (literally, an *hour* before I get there). Needless to day she’s not leaving on Thursday the 12th as planned. I visit for a couple of hours play some Phase 10; it’s an awesome card game I highly recommend you pick it up. She won out game (she cheated) and I left around 2pm to go to work. I got some gas, and was driving to work. I called my boss to let him know I was on my way looked down at my phone to make sure it was disconnected ( I had an earpiece in ) and when I looked up the Chevy Impala that was in front of me hadn’t moved. I swerved to the left and slammed on my brakes but…. I still hit her car. I was/am fine. My airbags didn’t deploy, I had my seat belt on. If you were inside my car you would only see the hood come up a little. The damage to the older lady’s car was minimal. I hit the driver side bumper (from swerving to the left) but nothing else. Now once you got out of my car and looked at the front it looked like someone had taken the front of my car and face mooshed her.

Definition: Face-mooosh – when a person takes the palm of their hand and grab your whole face and pushes.

There were no fluids leaking and I was able to drive the car to work with no strange noises or shaking. While waiting for the police to show up I call my boss (again), my grandmother (whom I just left) and my best friend Raquita (she’s my emergency person), and the insurance company. Through my insurance I got a rental and they were picking up my car from work to assess the damage. That was not a pleasant interlude to my day. I hadn’t had an accident that was my fault since I was 18. The last accident I was in, that I was behind the wheel was when I was about 22 and it wasn’t my fault. So after being a bit shaken up I came to terms with the accident because they do happen. I was mentally prepared to have to pay a deductible, get Max fixed, and move on with my life. Is that what happened? (Thank you God for the curve balls, no flag)  No, that isn’t what happened.

On the 12th I was informed that my car was a total loss and they were going to pay it off.  Apparently I must have blacked out because I have no idea how I got through the rest of Thursday. The total damage to my car was $4400. The value of my car, after they assessed the damaged was $4500. The payoff for my car was $3900. Which left me with two jobs, no car, and no idea what to do.

Good news insert: They released my grandma on Sunday the 15th. She’s had a pace maker for a long while but had to have surgery because one of her heart valves was 80% clogged. She’s doing better.

Another bit of good news that I mentioned earlier; on Thursday August 19th Jeremiah Hasan Rodney Henderson was born. 7lbs, 6 oz, and 20 inches long.

So from August 13th – August 31st I have been looking for a car. The problem that I keep running into is that: 1) I don’t have good credit. I don’t have super bad credit but the credit I do have isn’t all that great. 2) I don’t have a deposit. Again, I was ready for the deductible but not ready (SO not ready) or prepared to have to by a new car. 3) I don’t have a co-signer. Which I’m not all that torn up about because I’m 33 I shouldn’t have to have one or need to ask for one. The first place I went to, the guy was nice and genuinely wanted to help. However when he called me back after getting my info he wanted a down payment of $2000 to $2500.Which I politely told him I could do if I didn’t buy food or paid any of my other bills for three weeks. Raquita and I took a trip to IL and let me say those wankers can go suck an egg. They were rude and dismissive and didn’t listen or act like they wanted to listen to anything I had to say before they had my credit report in their hand; so we left. I tried to go through the husband of a friend of Raquita’s but that didn’t work either. Because they also wanted a deposit that I didn’t have. In the mean time I’ve having to catch the bus and imposing on my post preggers friend to pick me up and drop me off at ungodly hours to and from work. Have I mentioned she had a C-section and she shouldn’t be doing any of this stuff (ya know, like “driving”)? I tried to get the car companies I already contacted to lend me the car while I pay them in manageable increments because I ended up having to rent a car. Not a favorable solution and it wasn’t helping me with the whole “saving money for a car deposit” thing but friends give you ugly truths (at least mine do) and Raquita made me see that I had no choice. So I rented a car for two weeks.

Good news insert: My grand mother’s birthday was on the 26th. On the 27th I took her to F15teen a really good restaurant close to downtown. And it was restaurant week so it wasn’t as expensive at it would have been. Yay me. She had a really good time and I got to see my Nana.

Shameless plug: http://www.15stl.com/
So we come to the 31st (or the 1st by the time I get to post this entry). On the advice of Raquita’s dad I went to a smaller dealer ship ( in North county, Lord save me) and with lots of prayer and the mercy of God I was able to get approved for an ’08 Mazda 3. Now I am brand loyal and will always be a Nissan girl (may the Nissan gods forgive me for the Mazda) and I was able to work out an agreement to pay a $1000 deposit in increments (which, by the way the bigger places weren’t willing to do) and I now have a new car.

There are a few simple rules with cars me. All cars are female and have names. It took me weeks after I got the Sentra to find out her name was Maxine Elizabeth. I tried to call her different names but she didn’t like them. When I went to put gas in her one day she just told me what it was. Now the Mazda was a little quicker. I tried some names (even a couple of male names; that didn’t go over well) but on the drive to work she told me her name; Genevieve Rouge (insert French accent here). Vivi for short.

As for the other unfortunate things that happened this month. They are not my stories to tell. I will continue to keep those people I hold close to me in prayer. May their memories be long, their grief short, and the results of all test come out in their favor.

Sidebar: I know this post is long however I have a deeper respect and understanding how the Fox TV series 24 could last as long as it has. And that was just a day per series. ( I have no idea where that random thought came from)

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