Behind closed eyelids

This is a song by Des’ree, some of you may or may not have heard of her. I’m still working on trying to get the songs to play for the titles of the blogs I write but, yeah, that hasn’t happened yet. Trust me, the song is great.

In French, you say embrasser, in Spanish, besar: Definition – to touch or press with the lips slightly pursed, and then often to part them and to emit a smacking sound, in an expression of affection, love, greeting, reverence, etc.

In other words (for you English speaking internets)… a kiss.

Why am I pontificating on osculation you may ask, (Yo! check out those SAT words, you know you like em, ok I’m back) I miss being kissed. I mean don’t get me wrong I get all the honest to goodness bubonic plague filled-juicy moufed (yes, I meant to spell it that way) soggy-crumb filled kisses I want from both my god daughters (and for all their ickiness, they are secretly my favorite kind). But since I ended my non relationship relationship a few months ago I haven’t been properly kissed. To me, to be properly and perfectly kissed means to be (gently) grabbed by the back of my neck, hold my face, and taste my lips like candy. When I’m being a grown up for real for real, they’re my 2nd favorite.

So much can be said in the pressing of two sets of horizontal muscles together: “Hi”, “I miss you”, “I’m mad at you but I’m legally bound to you so I’m trying to keep the peace”, “I love you”, “You have on too many clothes”, “I need to get closer to you”, “More”, “Wait till I get you home”, “Let’s just keep up appearances”, “You’re my favorite”, “Goodbye”.

Then again maybe it’s not the act of kissing but the emotion behind it. Julia Roberts wouldn’t kiss her tricks on the mouth in Pretty Woman (ultimate awesome chick flick) because it was too personal.

Sidebar: What do you call that facial expression that is in between a smirk & a smile? You know the one you get when you’re quietly remembering something that you enjoyed in the past. Ok, think of the best kiss you received from any significant other (be it past or present) THAT ONE, that expression right there (you know you did it). What is it called? I think it should be called Smimery, a smile of remberence.

Where was I, oh yeah kissing. That’s enough on kissing. I’m sure you get my point. Not the I’m-so-lonely-and-neurotic-I-haven’t-been-properly-kissed-since-March-so-let-me-blog-about-it-in-a-sad-attempt-to-rechannel-some-energy point… the other one.

Kidding, laugh already. Sheesh

Yeah, I am that old. For all you young ones out there who think that hip hop falls in the vain of: soulja (did I spell that right?) boy, t-pain, and all the other lil’s, eezies, youngs, and weezies…you cold be farther from the truth. Now, I do not begrudge these people for making a name for themselves, nor am I saying that I don’t listen to it (not often and it is a secret shame of mine) but the song I chose is by an older hip hop group call 3rd Bass. Get this, they’re white.  I know, shut up right? Naw son, this joint was the jones.

However, I did not intent to post about the differences between the generations which incidentally makes me feel all 32 of my years. It makes me think of my parents when they listened to the music I loved when I was younger. How they thought it was noise and how my grandmother thought the music my parents listened to was noise and so on. Which then makes me think of the adage, “the more things change, the more they stay the same.”

Moving on

So internets, in case you didn’t know, I am not a morning person. I am grateful for the life giving sun that allows things to grow. I love the sun on my skin in the summer. But any sun before noon is just cruel. So typically, I don’t say a whole lot in the mornings. It’s usually not a problem since I drive by myself but on the rare occasions I find myself with company in the a.m. hours of sun, I am not the most congenial person to be around. I know this and make every effort not to piss of those that enjoy mornings, just don’t bring that perky morning disease over here, comprend?

I preempted all that to ask the question; why is it when police officers do illegal shite in the middle of the street they mean mug you when you wait for them? I was driving to work this a.m. (member how I feel about those, good) and this cop was in an undercover care and he was trying to flip a bitch (that’s make a U-turn, for those that don’t know) in the middle of the street so I stopped to wait for him. Now, he clearly doesn’t know the turn radius for the Impala because he had to back up to get more space, which was fine ( I mean I just have to go to work, I have all day to wait right, right) we all do it, no big. But it’s taking for-ev-er and I’m just looking at him like, duude seriously I have to go to work, get cho ass off the phone and use both hands. So when he finally get through the u-turn & passes me, he looks at me like he knows I got warrants and it was me in the wrong for waiting (did I mention I don’t like mornings) and so I (being a concerned citizen) give him a look like I don’t care & I just stare at him like at lease I know the turn radius on an Impala, and I keep it moving.

Human nature never fails to entertain me. I always find it interesting that most people (male or female) don’t like to admit when they are in the wrong. I’ve even over heard conversations (I’m a poet, I like to people watch) where the person admits they’re wrong but is still filled with righteous indignation on being called on it (i.e. “I know I was in the wrong, but still…).

Fascinating.

This was one of my favorite songs when I was in high school. I still love TLC and was sick when Left Eye died. Where is that CD?

Anyway, I sit here currently trying to gather my thoughts. I know what I want to say. But I find my floor littered with eggshells with a sign in the center saying “tread lightly”.

I love my friends, all of them. I am constantly humbled when I think of the people God has placed in my life. They are a unique, intelligent, diverse, and I am a better person for knowing them.

Having said that, I’m starting to think that this is the year of the friendship trials. It has to be, it’s the only thing I can think of for all of the circumstances I find myself entwined in these days.  I understand that when you meet people they may only be in your life for a certain amount of time (I get it). But the thing is, when I meet people I generally know if they’re those forever kind of folks or just the seasonal ones. Do I treat the seasonals different that the forevers, no. That would only stunt my growth as a person. Do I tell the people that are seasonal, that they’re seasonal, no because that would be cruel. I mean who want to know that they’re temporary.

Sidebar: So, I’m at work trying to blog right (cuz why would I be working at work). Anyway, if you ask me for information on an order that you placed. But you: 1) don’t have your account# 2) don’t have the PO#, and 3) don’t remember when you placed the order, how in the hay bob do you expect me to find said order? Just light the hoop already. I ain’t scared of no stinkin fire. And it wouldn’t be so bad if it was one or two people, but every third call is like this.

Hmm, moving on…

So I was talking about my friends and the friendship trials I find myself in, right, right. What do I mean by trials? Because if they’re your friends, your sound boards, so who do you go to complain about them when they’re getting on your nerves? When they’re testing the boundaries of not only your patience but the very friendship that you all have.  This is the only place I can think of, so dear internets, I apologize in advance for you catching the business cause I’m a little igged.

Definition: Igged – a personality trait or temperament consisting of a person or persons on the cusp of become extremely pissed off and/or annoyed to the point of doing bodily harm.

Anyone who knows me ( and I mean knows me knows me) knows that if I consider you my friend there is nothing (no-thing) that I wouldn’t do to help or assist you in any way shape or form. If I got it and you need it, it’s yours. Having said that when you take, borrow, consume, use, break (whatever) it is that is mine without asking for it first or leaving me a note, text message, homing pigeon, smoke signal, etc. to let me know I get a little annoyed. Give me the satisfaction of saying: yes, sure, no prob. Nine times out of ten (ok, like 9 1/2) I really will answer you in the affirmative. It’s the 1/2 to the one time that I say ‘no’ that I really have a good reason for why I can’t.  But when you do these things with out asking it really just makes me want to tell you no on G.P. form now on.  The first time it happens (depending on what it is) I can over look it, but when it happens more than once, it makes me feel like I’m being taken advantage of.  That my kindness is being mistaken for weakness, which I cannot (will not) allow.

Sidebar: Ok, so you (not you per se) are not allow to act like a TOTAL horses arse and then look for sympathy from the very people that you screwed over & treated like crap. I don’t care if you are family. Family, can get they ass kicked too. And you won’t leave me messages asking me to help the person that was mean to you, when you’re the one who came to me to complain that they were being mean to you in the first place.

Moving on…

I miss my best friend. She’s busy & I get that she’s busy, but I’m still allowed to miss her. I want her to come out more with me, and at first it looked like I was gonna actually be able to swing it at least once a month but…yeah, that didn’t work. I still ask her to go, knowing she’s going to say yes and then not show up. I know that unless I literally go pick her up & take her with me that she won’t go. Even then when I pick her up, we’ll be an hour late because she has a family & they come first (which is how it should be) even if I tell her to be ready an hour before we where suppose to actually go. If I do manage to get her out of the house, when we get there she’ll always be looking at the clock on her phone to see when we’re suppose to leave so she won’t be out too late, so peace can reign supreme in the household (again it is as it should be). Three times out of ten will she ever answer her mobile. It will either be: dead, in another room, on vibrate, left at home (if she’s out) or lost.  These are just unequivocal truths I’ve come to accept as facts. She is still my best friend and I wouldn’t trade her for Marcus Patrick covered in dark chocolate with a bottle of tequila (wait…no, yeah, no, well, ok…um…no, ok, definitely no) I still wouldn’t trade her. She’s mine, I was given to her by Star & I’m not allowed to leave. I’m okay with that too.

There is a special place in my heart for all the people I consider my close friends. I had a close friend that was demoted down to close acquaintance but that was his doing, not mine (see previous post). I guess I’m just feeling like I’m being pulled in so many different directions lately. I try to be so many things to so many different people that I can’t get a handle on just being me. I don’t even know who I am anymore sometimes. I glimpses, but when I concentrate on the image it disappears. Like it wasn’t there to begin with, an apparition.

Hmm, yeah.

So there is no song or verse that goes with the blog post this time. In the last couple of days I’ve gone through an emotional ringer and I’m trying to come out on the other side of this thing a stronger person. A while back I posted that I lost my best friend (no it isn’t Raquita), my best guy friend. Well he’s back (sort of). I saw him for the first time in a month this past Friday & I have to say, when I saw him I felt…nothing. Not a deep seeded agony, no longing, no anger, I was just…numb. That I didn’t expect. However, true to karmic form that changed. He did apologize for what he did and we did have a dialog. I got to tell him how I felt about the whole situation, but to be honest there was no closure or resolution. I mean, because seriously what can he say really to make it better. This isn’t something a band aide can cover nor a kiss can cure. This situation is relationship altering. I’m not comfortable in his presence anymore. I’m leery of talking to him (which I hate) because I love him. He wants to be friends again and to start talking again. I would love that to because I do miss him but quite frankly as of right now I’m not that big a person. I have to learn him all over again and since right now he isn’t my favorite person, I really don’t have the energy to want to try.

I have posted before that I’m a music head (a big one) I made another play list because my alter ego it screaming for some vindictive pay back. That kind of hurt you like you hurt me, brick through windshield, clothes bleaching & torching on the front lawn, internet picture posting kind of revenge.  Fortunately or unfortunately, I am a firm believer in Karma so I really don’t want her pissed at me so I will settle for making a playlist of revenge-type songs.

Revenge:

1) For Doz That Slept – Black Sheep (Wolf in Sheeps Clothing)

2) With Me (Part 1) – Destiny’s Child (Destiny’s Child)

3) Son of a Gun (remix) – Janet Jackson (All For You)

4) My Little Secret – Excape (Traces of My Lipstick)

5) Bust Your Windows – Jasmine Sullivan ()

6) If Your Girl Only Knew – Aaliya (One in a Million)

7) Mr. Messed Up – Floetry (Floetic)

8 ) Creep – TLC (CrazySexyCool)

9) Booty – Erykah Badu (Mama’s Gun)

10) Little Goodbyes – SheDaisy (The Whole SheBang)

11) Insomnia – Jill Scott (The Real Thing)

Some honorable mentions:

Tyrone – Erykah Badu (live)

I can Be – Aaliya (Aaliya)

Secret Lovers – Atlantic Star ()

Like a Tattoo – Sade ()