Behind closed eyelids

Cause I’m alright

March 28, 2011 at 6:19 pm (Random)

So I post this song this way and not the actual Billy Joel video for two reasons. One because I was channel surfing in my car during lunch and it was on, which triggered a great smemory (see previous post for definition). And two, I use to loved this show. I don’t care if it is the bane on Tom Hanks’ existence, I loved it.

I often joke to my friends on the anniversary of my birth that I was a missed stroke and pull out away from not being here. That it is a celebration of teenage promiscuity and unprotected sex. Which is true for a lot of us, since I don’t know of many 16 year old girls in the mid 70s who wanted to have a baby while still in high school. Since I was born though I have been handed to, shipped to, driven and bused to various people in my family. I have placed in a lot of situations by the people who professed to love me and who were charged with protecting me that no child and/or adolescent should ever have to endure. Since I can remember some variation of the word different has been used to describe the molecules that make up my existence. I have had to dig through trenches of negativity to come out on the other end and embrace my “different-ness” as something to be proud of and encouraged, not hidden and ashamed. There are sounds and smells that even now will trigger conversations and events from my past that will send me to the darkest corner to hide. The coping mechanism I used the most (and still do) is logic. If I can’t get it to reason out in my mind how things should be (in my world where all things make sense) then it isn’t real. And if it isn’t real then it can’t hurt me because this isn’t the way it’s suppose to be.

My life cycle is about every 5-6 years so I know I’m due for more change. I just haven’t figured out if it’s for the better or not. Because of my colorful upbringing or maybe in spite of, when generally dealing with people; I will trust you until you give me cause not to. However, once my trust is gone there is little chance of it ever coming back. So if I don’t trust you I can’t be around you. I don’t friend easy but I do friend forever. It takes some pretty big circumstances to lose my friendship. When I love I love hard. I am sad to say I have chosen badly when it comes to love. The few men I have given my heart to weren’t ready for it and they’ve used and mistreated my four chambered muscle. One I don’t blame because I knew it wasn’t going to last and I was settling. We were complete opposites in every sense of the word. The other I honestly thought I would be with him until my last breath. And when he left I forgot how to breathe for a while. I gave him my whole heart and I forgot to keep some of it for myself. I changed a lot after he was gone. I became colder and less tolerant and understanding of men discarding my feelings like they were expendable. The last one, snuck up on me. I didn’t realize I gave him a piece of my heart until he gave it back to me. I was a bit shocked. To myself, I was like, “How’d he get that?”

I started this blog in 2006 at the suggestion of my best friend Raquita. I had surgery and literally couldn’t lift anything but my fingers. It’s my blog , I just don’t think anyone reads it besides my little sister and my best friend. So I get giddy when people I don’t know read my blog and leave comments. Then I recently found out I actually have subscribers (my inner girl squealed). So to all who read my words I thank you. I hope they do more good than harm. Writing, for me, is therapy. It keeps me from acting out the violent urges I brain sometimes creates (I could never make the insanity plea stick, I think too much) . It also, helps me put my feelings into words so I can express them to other people. This was suppose to be a drive by post. I have no clue where all the rest of this came from. If it isn’t clear or doesn’t flow well, I apologize. I’ve been rather scatter brained as of late.

P.S. I’m still waiting to be someone’s snail mail pen pal. I bought stamps and everything.