It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to
Yes I know the song is by Lesley Gore but I grew up in the 80s and I liked the original Alvin and the Chipmunks with the Chipettes. No, I’m not old enough to have actually seen Lesley Gore, I just like music.
Six days from today I will be 34 years old. Now normally I am super geeked about celebrating my birthday and I usually throw this super huge very pimp-tacular party. All of my friends, and close associates come and we eat, and dance, and laugh, and play, and drink, and generally have one hellacious ball (as my grandmother would say). I start planning this party in November, have a cocktail party in January so the signature drink can be decided (Woo anyone), get my hair colored, and some new shoes (because I am a closet shoe whore). Raquita gets this cake made out of crack and every addiction known to man with a half naked picture of me on it from a boudoir session and we party from nine in the evening to around ten in the morning (that’s what happens when you can call three of the best DJs friend). My best friend then makes brunch for those who can kick it till the sun comes up. It’s great; I look forward to my birthday every year. It’s the only holiday I actively participate in consistently. However, I am finding it difficult to summon the energy to get excited about this coming birthday. I didn’t have a party last year but instead had a big dinner with a smattering of my close friends and family. But this year I don’t know what I want to do. I really don’t want to do anything. No party, no dinner, I don’t want to go out anywhere.
I would say it’s just me getting older but that isn’t true. Part of it is that I don’t have the second job and I need to keep a close eye on my budget. Since I’m a contract employee with my first job I don’t get regular vacation days. After I work so many hours I get a “vacation equivalent” check but I can’t take actual vacation days. Which sucks pretty hard, in my opinion. So for the first time since entering the work force I will be going to work on my birthday. My grandmother told me my birthday was a holiday so I didn’t have to go to school and/or work on my birthday. I am taking the day after my birthday off though because I was going to leave work early to go to a skills enrichment class for my sign language certification.
I have to say, I didn’t think I’d be in the space I’m in currently. I’ll be 34, still no kids (ok that’s not surprising), but I don’t own my home, haven’t been married, am not currently in a relationship, and am unfulfilled professionally. Thought I would be married by now living in a funky yet homey loft with a dozen or so stamps in my passport. Contemplating the possibility of maybe starting a family. Oh well, there’s no concerning myself with something that never happened.
Is it too late to say I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up?
As a side note to all of you internets out there who condescend to remember my birthday and offer me felicitations; I thank you in advance. Its always nice to know that being the byproduct of teenage promiscuity is remembered by someone other than my parents (oddly enough sometimes not even by them).
Connie said,
March 2, 2011 at 11:24 am
i love you wifey…i know very few who are where they thought they’d be. i know i am not even close to doing what i wanted with my life. oh, its never to late to say you don’t know what you want to be when you grow up. i’m still trying to figure that one out too. As my dear father (may he rest in peace) always told me, “Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional”
You are so very loved. Good things are coming for you, i can just feel it.
I love you til our dying days sweetheart.
xo
Happy Birthday pumpkin xoxox