Behind closed eyelids

Ok, so the cool thing for me is that since I figured out how to put videos and photos on my blog (by my self, shut up Raquita) I can actually start putting the video clips of the song titles or verses I use for my blog titles (yay me). I am very excited. I’m a music head, music grounds me. It helps me get rid of bad days or harmonizes my current mood. Unless you love music the way I do, you wouldn’t understand, but the other heads out there know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, this week has been…yeah. I’ve posted about God throwing curve balls into my life when I’m really looking for straight one across the plate. This week I got a curve ball. A BIG one. I got a curve ball so big it spelled out; “it this one if ya wanna”. And I missed that mug.  Now, I haven’t a clue as to how to proceed. My head and heart are conflicting,my past is sending me flashbacks, my future (what I can see) is so jumbled that I find myself…numb. Have you ever been tired of being the strong one, the one who always takes the high road, the one that other look to lead. Sometimes I just want to let someone else makes the decisions and tell me what to do.

I’m heart heavy. What I want,what I need, what I deserve, what I’m willing to accept, my own self worth; are all in question at the moment. I had a conversation this past week that literally, brought me to my knees. I felt the air moving through my heart like wind in a tunnel, howling. I thought that space was healed and new life was growing there. It turns out it was just a really thick scab that just needed the right amount of force to have it removed. The wind is back and I’m  not sleeping. I am writing, so that’s a good thing but…DAMN, seriously? I know what I should do: what the logical, no nonsense, sexy, smart, goal-oriented me wants to do, but the inner self conscience, lonely, abandoned girl sitting in back of the closet thinks we should do.

So I, do nothing. I’m an ostrich, sticking my head in the sand and pretending it doesn’t exist until one of those sea-hags wins this emotional conflict. Then I’ll deal with the fall out. This is not a good decision but it’s the only one I got for right now. I’m okay with that because it’s keeping me sane. It’s keeping me from sitting in a corner drooling on myself, rocking back and forth, crying my eyes out(cuz that would be a punk move).

Pray that I make the right decisions and that the lesson I need to learn comes quickly before God throws another curve ball at me.