Alter Ego
So there is no song or verse that goes with the blog post this time. In the last couple of days I’ve gone through an emotional ringer and I’m trying to come out on the other side of this thing a stronger person. A while back I posted that I lost my best friend (no it isn’t Raquita), my best guy friend. Well he’s back (sort of). I saw him for the first time in a month this past Friday & I have to say, when I saw him I felt…nothing. Not a deep seeded agony, no longing, no anger, I was just…numb. That I didn’t expect. However, true to karmic form that changed. He did apologize for what he did and we did have a dialog. I got to tell him how I felt about the whole situation, but to be honest there was no closure or resolution. I mean, because seriously what can he say really to make it better. This isn’t something a band aide can cover nor a kiss can cure. This situation is relationship altering. I’m not comfortable in his presence anymore. I’m leery of talking to him (which I hate) because I love him. He wants to be friends again and to start talking again. I would love that to because I do miss him but quite frankly as of right now I’m not that big a person. I have to learn him all over again and since right now he isn’t my favorite person, I really don’t have the energy to want to try.
I have posted before that I’m a music head (a big one) I made another play list because my alter ego it screaming for some vindictive pay back. That kind of hurt you like you hurt me, brick through windshield, clothes bleaching & torching on the front lawn, internet picture posting kind of revenge. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am a firm believer in Karma so I really don’t want her pissed at me so I will settle for making a playlist of revenge-type songs.
Revenge:
1) For Doz That Slept – Black Sheep (Wolf in Sheeps Clothing)
2) With Me (Part 1) – Destiny’s Child (Destiny’s Child)
3) Son of a Gun (remix) – Janet Jackson (All For You)
4) My Little Secret – Excape (Traces of My Lipstick)
5) Bust Your Windows – Jasmine Sullivan ()
6) If Your Girl Only Knew – Aaliya (One in a Million)
7) Mr. Messed Up – Floetry (Floetic)
8 ) Creep – TLC (CrazySexyCool)
9) Booty – Erykah Badu (Mama’s Gun)
10) Little Goodbyes – SheDaisy (The Whole SheBang)
11) Insomnia – Jill Scott (The Real Thing)
Some honorable mentions:
Tyrone – Erykah Badu (live)
I can Be – Aaliya (Aaliya)
Secret Lovers – Atlantic Star ()
Like a Tattoo – Sade ()
Rehab
This is a song by a British singer named Amy Winehouse. Now she may be a drugged out and exiled from American soil, but that white girl can sang. If you are new to my blog you may not know that I am and/or used to be a poet. I haven’t written much lateley but I finally found the words to finish somthing I started two years ago.
_____________________________________________________
I am in love with a man
I didn’t plan on it
Didn’t expect it to happen
It snuck up on me
Came at me from behind
Blindfolded my eyes
And now
Has me captive
I can’t break free
I am in love
I am in love with a man
That keeps me supplied
In pain
I’m overflowing with it
Consumed with the torment
Of it
Nestled in the affliction
Of his indifference
From wordless conversations in public
To silence in our bed
So loud my ears ring
He keeps me supplied
Makes sure
I never run out
He taps my veins
Flowing with blissful ignorance
And injects them
With melancholy reality
That burns
He caters to me
He’s my pusher man
Of perpetual misery
And I
Am his junkie
Purple haze filled eyes
From blue smoke
Off rolled trees
Keeps me faded
He has my
Nose wide open
Doing lines of his cologne
Filling my nostrils with his essence
Slips me mickys
Laced with roofies
To inebriate
My inhibitions
Crystal meth
Adrenalin highs
Of promises, pretended
Give me
Blow by blow
With clit blows
That blow my mind
Bombards me with barbiturates
Full of bullshit
To sedate my mind
With hypnotic suggestions
That he
Is the only one
Dropping acid tears
Full of self doubt
Marring fabric with salty secrets
No A&E intervention specials
With family members heart felt
Letters of encouragement can save me
No rose colored glasses
To tint my eyes
Against his ways
He keeps me
Bound in rose hued silk ropes
And satin restrains
French kisses ecstasy
Down my throat
Hyper-sensitive
To his touch
Withdrawn
When he’s not near
I want to
Check myself
Into rehab
Find a meeting
And a sponsor
Join a 12 step program
Almost anything
To break his hold
But I
Just can’t seem to
Stay away
Although, I continue to try
Skin clammy in cold sweats
Teeth chattering in warm weather
Can’t seem to get warm again
Wind blows through me
Hollow sounds reach my ears
Where my heart resides
Empty
Black cloth covers mirrors
Like Jewish mourning rituals
Grieving for the loss of something
That never was
Casing ghost
And demons past
Blocking out
Taunting chants of
Old self consciousness
Straight jacket
Laced up
Forcing me to
Embrace myself
Until I can
Love myself again
Letting music
Seep into my system
Irrigating the pain
To detox my mind
Melodies and harmonies
Serenading my soul
Willing it to heal
And be whole
Willing it love
And be free
Rehab
Waiting for the DJ
Great song by Talib Kweli
I am a music head…a big one. As you may (or may not) have noticed most of my post titles are either lines from songs or the song titles themselves. I am a firm believer that life is nothing if not one big soundtrack. So with the all the relationship turmoil I’m currently going through I find it therapeutic to make a playlist for my life. I highly recommend it. If you’re fortunate enough to actually have all of the songs that make up your play list, listen to it. Become musically bulimic (don’t look at me in that tone of reading, I see you.) Binge on the playlist you make, listen to all of it. Reflect on the lyrics and the melodies that caused you to pick that song (hell, listen to it twice if necessary). Then purge yourself of whatever it is that caused you to have to make the list in the first place. It will help you move on, swear. Maybe I shouldn’t it that way, I know my playlist help me move on. So here is the playlist that I have agonized over. I haven’t listened to all of it because I’m still in the angry & depressed phases. So here it is, my playlist. I call it the break up, why, well like most things, I think getting over a break up happens in stages. I listed the song title album, & the artist, just in case you wanted to know. I’d say enjoy, but that just sounds like I’m a masochist. Not today anyway…kidding.
Anger-
1. Caught Out There (Kaleidoscope) Kelis
2.You Oughta Know (Jagged Little Pill) Alantis Morrisette
3.Harder 2 Breathe (Songs about jane) Marroon 5 (1*)
4.How You Remind Me (Silver Side Up)Nickelback
Depression-
5.Die without you () PM Dawn
6.Now You’re Gone () Floetry
7.Emotional Rollercoaster (A Love Story)Vivian Green
8.The Trouble with Love () Kelly Clarkson
9.Gone () *NSYNC
10.Colorblind – Counting Crows
11.Iris (City of Angels sdtk) Goo Goo dolls (2*)
Acceptance-
12.Love is Stronger than Pride () Sade
13.Stranger in my house () Tamia
14.I’ll keep holding on () Simply red
15. Almost Doesn’t Count- Version II (Never Say Never)Brandy
16.Green Eyes (Mamma’s Gun) Eryka Badu
17. I Use to Love Someone () Anthony Hamilton
18. Ice King () Res
19. Epiphany () Chrissette Michele
20. F.U.S.S (Back to Basics) Christina Aguilera
Emotional Rollercoaster
This is a great song by Vivian Green. And so totally goes with how I’m feeling right now.
So you know how you pre-dialog a conversation in your head, but when you have the conversation for real it goes NOTHING like you thought it would? Yeah. I’m…I’m…numb. I’m not use to dealing with illogical people, so when I come in contact with one of them my brain shuts down. I make no apologies for the fact that I view friendships & relationships differently. This week has tested them all.I had an argument with my best friend. Although, can you call it an argument if the person you’re arguing with doesn’t realize you’re arguing? I think this is where the deficiency in internet conversations happen. Because you may read something the wrong way. Even with the icons & internet face expressions, we as humans need the verbal contact actual voices provide. So when I told my friend we were arguing and the look of surprise crossed her face, I knew an apology wasn’t going to be forth coming. On the flip side of that once we talked (face to face) and she realized my feelings were hurt she did & we’re fine. It’s funny, besides myself, she’s the most logical person I know so I figure one misunderstanding every 1 ¾ years we’ve been friends is a pretty good track record.
I lost a friend yesterday. Not by any nefarious or detrimental means. I lost someone that is/was instrumental in my life that I am still in shock of losing. I was told very little, he just told me we couldn’t be friends anymore. Because of the woman that he has chosen to be with, he decided that he needed to extricate some people from his life. I don’t understand it and I don’t like it, but since I ultimately have no say so in the matter I have no choice but to accept it. What’s interesting is, our relationship as of late had been a bit strained & I was contemplating putting a little distance between us. Not hanging out as much, but still talking. Now that the decision was taken out of my hands I feel bereft. He’s my best guy friend. When Raquita isn’t available or when I needed a shoulder or an ear I would call him. Now I can’t. I want him to be happy. If this is what makes him happy then…
I want to wish him nothing but the best. I want to, but as of right now I’m just not that big a person.
I think the woman he’s chosen, is being petty and insecure. I have never (not once) in any relationship I’ve been in made the man I’m with drop his friends. On the flip, I’ve never been asked to give up mine. This is the grievance I sometimes have with my sex. No matter how much we want to be everything to the person in our lives, we will never be everything. And when we try it only succeeds in making our partner & ourselves miserable.
I feel this lose & I grieve for the friendship that I now know meant more to me than it did to him. Call me arrogant, but I thought my friendship was worth fighting for. I guess I know now (to him) it wasn’t.
