Behind closed eyelids

This song is by Lauren Hill (ya know before she went on her personal mind vacation) it’s a great song. So, ok. I heard this song three time yesterday & was like ok God, karma, universe, writing fairies  (whomever) I get it, I hear ya , I’ll write. Although, I didn’t write yesterday like I think I was suppose to, so when I heard it again this morning I was like, yeah, I better do that, like today .  

I’ve been trying to write this post for a minute but the words never felt right. I could say what I really wanted to say, in part because I didn’t know what I really wanted to say (yeah I know, follow me for a minute). I’ve never been society standard normal. I am the black sheep in my family. Like most I have had experiences in my life that have shaped me into the person I am today & (hopefully) I am still growing as a person. I preface those words to say that what most people conceive as general knowledge about relationships & “the dating game”, I genuinely have no clue. I have had maybe three boys/men in my life that I can honestly say they were my boyfriends. One was (I thought) my soul mate, another I was engaged to (not the same person, irony), the third was from my college years. The other males that I’ve known (not biblically) have blurred with one exception. It is he that I fine myself in a quandary over.

I was taught growing up that physical intimacy isn’t something to be entered into lightly. It is not only a physical but a spiritual connection that can never be severed. Things that make up your personality, things that make you who you are (spirits, demons, nuances, etc.) you (as an individual) deal with them every day. So much so that you don’t think about them. But when you are sexually intimate with someone, you are literally becoming one with that person. So, those nuances that were yours, are now theirs & vise versa. So the physicality’s that you never gave a second thought about because they were yours, may be inhibiting and detrimental and confusing to the person that you were intimate with because they’re not use to dealing with them. But now they’re apart of them forever, whether you continue to be intimate with that person or not.  That is why it was (still is virgins out there, hello) so important to wait until you were married to be sexually intimate.

I have, in my 32 years on living, been physically intimate with three people (consensually). Mostly because of how I was raised to view the act itself and mostly because I was never comfortable with the men I was with enough to give that piece of myself away. Amazingly enough, out of the three men I mentioned, the college guy was not one that I slept with.  Ever year when my birthday rolls around I try to make goals or list of things I’ve either never done or things I want to try. Having a physical relationship with someone I wasn’t in a committed relationship was not on my list (I swear) but it did happen. What this experience has taught me is that I am a commitment girl. I don’t begrudge those people out there that can close themselves off emotionally but still be intimate with someone, frankly I think I may be envious (a little).  But then I have to question is it intimacy if you’re not giving all of yourself. How can you be open to the experience if you’ve closed off sections of your being? The guy I was with told me once that I was one of the most responsive people he’s slept with. At the time I didn’t understand it but I kinda do now.  I thought you couldn’t fully enjoy an experience unless you: (1) opened yourself to the possibilities & (2) were brave enough to let the other person see you (the real you).

If you don’t, isn’t it just pretending?  (*)

I did it again, this isn’t what I wanted to say (not really) maybe I’ll try again later.