Behind closed eyelids

This is a famous quote from my best friends 3 year old Camile. She says it (usually) when she doesn’t get her way.

I’m having an aw man moment. You ever have an epiphany or relevation (do those two words mean the same thing?) anyway, you ever have one of those that you really don’t want to have ; i.e. realizing you’re best friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/random stranger was right about something you could have sworn was wrong. Or when you don’t want to admit something about yourself until it sneaks up on you at the worst possible time.  Then you just look at yourself & go… (insert snooty English accent here) weeeelllllll damn.

Yeah, that’s me right now.

 You ever have those moments when you want to say… something. Not necessarily profound or mind-blogling, but just… something.

I recently ended a… an intrigue (if you will) & since it’s my first (I’m a late bloomer, sue me) I’m not sure of the rules. There was no big to-do about feelings, no arguments, it just kinda fizzled out. I don’t know if he got bored with me or found someone else. Part of me thinks he started to feel guilty about the whole thing. It’s interesting because when I started this tryst (ya like all these SAT words, huh?) I went in it with eyes wide open, knowing what to expect, what not to hope for, but somewhere along the way (like all things when sex is involved) something shifted. There was a little part of me that wanted things to go farther but already knowing that it could never be. Call it the “girl” part of my psyche. Ya know the one that secretly likes pink, & make-up. Riding horses bare-backed & naked like Lady Godiva ( okay, the horse thing, that’s the real me. I couldn’t resist, & no not the chocolate). But the girl part of me liked the relationship part of the “non-relationship”. There were moments when I wanted to ask him, “hey, how would you feel if we did the whole couple for real thing”? But knowing him the way I do, it may not have gone well & frankly I wasn’t ready for my “non-relationship” to end so I punked out & kept my trap shut. Yes I know closed mouths don’t get fed (as the saying goes) but I liked sleeping next to someone & hanging out, private jokes & secret pet names. It was fun, & it made me realize just how lonely I am. I work… a lot, I have a semi-active social life, I have really great friends( that I sometimes feel I don’t deserve), but sometimes I really just want to stay in bed, watch movies, & get my head rubbed.

Now I find that I’m going through “the stages”. Not in the extreme though because our thing wasn’t like that. It’s weird because I was driving home from work one night/morning & I was like shouldn’t I be crying or something? But I couldn’t summon the wet salty things. I mean how can you cry (which I don’t do that much of anyway, ask me why later) but I think it was that “girl” part part saying her soul was burning & life was meaningless (now you know why I hardly ever listen to her). But the me part was & is really okay with how things turned out. We’re still friends, we don’t talk as much but that is to be expected. In truth I’d rather have him as my friend than not have him in my life at all. On the whole it’s an experience that I’ll always hold close to my heart since he now hold a part of it.