Behind closed eyelids

Post title belongs to: Lisa Lisa, now whether is was before of after Cult Jam I have no idea.

Any ole way this post will be short (yes it is possible). After two long years away form the desert mountains I will be going back to Vegas. I miss my kid, and by kid I mean my oldest cousins youngest daughter. Her name is Joy & since she was born my family (yes I actually talk to them…sometimes) has told my cousin (Monique) that she had Joy for me. She’s a great kid, lot’s of personality. When she wants some affection she’ll let you give it to her but when she doesn’t she’ll let you know that too. She’s a girl after my own heart & if I ever had a kid I hope she turns out like her. She likes to write, she always use to try & play my cello, very artsy. Man, I love that kid.

Anyway, I’m leaving this Saturday & I’ve told my friends but not my family (surprise surprise). They’ll find out soon enough (especially if they read this, I don’t think they do though). I was able to go on this trip because two of my heffas (it’s a term of endearment) bought my ticket for me as a present. Without them I wouldn’t have been able to go on this trip. I still haven’t figured out a way to say thank you properly; 1) because I totally missed Nana’s birthday & didn’t even get her a card (yes I know I suck) 2) well quite frankly I’m not use to people being uber-kind to me a& not wanting anything in return. Queue’s really nice to me on purpose sometimes just because she knows it freaks me out (she’s sick & twisted in that “dance puppet dance” kind of way). So even though I don’t post enough for you all to notice that I went out of town for a week, I wanted to post about the two people in my life that have been there even when I didn’t want them to be, who refuse to give up on me, & (until recently) played Tequila Uno with me while Greying out on Sundays/Thursdays. To quote Christina, “If I were to ever kill some one, she’s who I’d call to help me drag the body across the floor. She’s my person.” Substituting the she for they you all get my meaning, you ladies rock.

(wow that was short, who’da thunk it)

Blog title belongs to: Aaron Hall, but not for the words in the song though just the chorus. I mean come on, it’s Aaron Hall (dude).

My goal was to try to post more on my blog but then after talking to a friend they made a valid point. People that post every day either; 1) have to much time on their hands (which I do not) or 2) they schedule time in their day to blog everyday (which again, I do not). So I think that posting every other week or at least once a month is pretty normal, (who’d a thunk it, I actually do something normal) go figure. Point of reference though, I blog a LOT, almost everyday. The kicker though is that it’s all in my head. I think about what I want to post & I go through what it is I want to say but by the time I get to a computer I’ve either got too much other stuff to do or I’ve forgotten what it is I wanted to write about. I should also mention that most of my post blog-like thinking is done while I’m lying in my bed fighting the bed pixies.

(for the definition of a bed pixie you’ll have to either know me well or look at one of my previous blogs where I explain what it is. Which blog? I don’t know.)

As I near closer to the next milestone in my life (30 years of age) I find that I’ve been reflecting on my past. Thinking about the things I’ve done, & gone through as well the things I haven’t accomplished & the goals I haven’t met yet. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the people that have help shape the person that I’ve become for better or worse. I have a long memory (like an elephant) about somethings but ask my family & I don’t remember anything. I confess there are some instances in my life that I’ve chosen to black out but I’m sure everyone has moments like that. I’ve been thinking lately that I miss having guy friends. Now I will be the first to admit I’m totally oblivious to when men like me unless they’re obvious, so to say that men & women can’t be friends with out one or both parties have ulterior motives really is lost on me. I’ve had men friends that were just that, friends. We would play/watch sports, hang out to all hours of the morning, laugh, listen to music, & just be. I had a couple of guy friends that I could really talk to to get a guys perspective about things & it helped me a lot. That, I think is what I miss most, having “big brothers” look out for me & be over protective enough to be annoying. There was a point when I didn’t know anything but men & that included my very best friend in the whole worked but that isn’t the case anymore. I don’t have that many men friends & the ones I do have I can’t really talk to at least I don’t think so, I could be wrong. What I have learned & what I continue to take with me, is that whether you want it to or not, being sexually intimate changes the dynamic of your relationship.

I’m remembering my best friend in the whole world. His name was John Ward. He was my best friend for 10 years or more. I met him when I moved to Vegas for the umpteenth time & went to high school. He & I had a class together after school, he was a senior & I was a junior . We hit it off because he found my notebook that had a bunch of poetry in it. At the time I didn’t tell anybody I wrote & I didn’t let anybody read any of my stuff. We started hanging out & I think we dated for like a week. He dumped me for this freshman (eww) so we lost touch for a while (clearly) but stayed friends after he graduated. But from then on no matter what city either of us lived in we stayed in touch. I was there when his mom got sick & we just saw each other through…life. I knew when something was wrong with him & vice versa. If I thought of him too much he would call or I’d see someone that was close to him. We use to hang out till all hours & nothing ever happened. There was a time when two or more years had passed & he called me out of the blue & when we saw each other we were wearing the same colors. We always did stuff like that & it was never on purpose. I had a guy break up with me once because he though John & I were sleeping with each other behind his back (which we weren’t). We had this long conversation one night sitting on the trunk of my car & decided to be more than friends. We weighed all the pros & cons and almost decided not to because we didn’t want the ‘S’ factor to interfere with our friendship. I’m fast forward here because the because the longer I think about that part of my life it makes me act “girlie” which is something I don’t do very often. Long story short we fell in love he got scared & he ran. No this isn’t my bitter rendition of what happened he actually told me (eventually) that that’s what happened. He was afraid that I would fall out of love with him & he wanted to be the first one to leave. It has taken many tears & many blank stares into nothingness for me to wrap my brain around this & to accept it as his truth. I don’t regret being in love. I have some awesome memories from it, some of them are spectacularly great & others are gut wrenchingly horrific. I learned a lot about myself from John, things I didn’t know I was capable of. For that I thank him & wish him nothing but the best.

In his absence though, I am left with a void. When we were together we would have these moments when we would ask to talk to our best friend. I mean, I think people in relationships expect a certain response from they’re partners when they’re having a problem with something they’re doing, but are more apt to accept the criticisms from their friends. So there were times when if he was having an issue with something I did or said & vice versa, we would come together & I would sayI’m having a problem with my boyfriend & I need to talk to my best friend . I can’t speak for him but I know when he came to me this way I tried to be as impartial as I could & give him my honest opinion.

Alright I’m rambling, I know, but it’s my blog & I’ll do what I want. I have to say that for the experiences that I’ve encountered I’ve had a pretty full life. Full of woulda, shoulda, coulda type instances. Wishing I could have turned right instead of left. However, after seeing The Butterfly Effect (awesome movie), It’s a Wonderful Life (it was Christmas time & I was forced), 12 monkeys (again awesome movie), & there are others, I’ve made myself content with my life choices. I know that when I see the past coming back at me, because if you believe in God, or the universe, or wherever you find your spiritual guidance, you know that it will constantly test you to see if you learned your lesson the first time. If you did, you may be lucky enough to make the same wise choice or make a different choice if you weren’t so lucky the first time. I say ,don’t live in the past, just recognize its presence when it shows up again.

No origin for the blog title this time, well it’s a reference to filming the Superman movies. You know when Superman is about to go save the day, I can hear the director telling the special effects guys to queue up the music, queue the wind, queue the smoke, & queue the cape. Plus I need to post an update for the month. I know I haven’t posted in while & it seems as if I only post once a month but I will try my best to at least post once a week. I’m feeling the need to revert back to my heavy church going days  & testify; First giving honor to God who is the head of my life. Pastor, members, & friends…

On Monday January 22, 2007 my car was recovered. So while I was posting my last blog the police were calling my house to inform me they found my Maxine. I will talk about that experience a little later. This post is being dedicated to, in honor of, recognizing, I’m not sure how to put it properly. But this post will mainly be about a guy that was placed in my life a while ago that I just can’t seem to get rid of, his name is Ric. I call him Superman because he has saved my day on more than one occasion. Nothing perverted but to be real, he’s been a fixture in my life that I hadn’t anticipated I needed there.

I met Ric in my current place of employment but a long time ago when I started working for the company in like 1998 (it’s amazing how long ago that seems). Anyway, he was on a different project than I was & I don’t remember how I started talking to him but we got to be “work friends”.

Definition: work friend- A person or persons, being either of male or female origin that you converse with only in a professional settings. (i.e. You will only talk to these people at work or work type functions. You may make plans with them outside of work but you will never follow through with them. They won’t ever come to your house, or be invited to any social party that doesn’t involve other “work friends” but you can tolerate their presence at work but would never talk them otherwise).

So Ric was my “work friend” for the time frame that he was there. He really was (as is anyone with a myopic sense of corporate savvy) a big fish in a little pond working there. So he left to pursue better job opportunities & as we all do “work friends” promised to stay in touch. We exchanged emails & phone numbers, talked not so periodically. Then lost touch. If I know you for any length of time I will remember your birthday so I would basically only talk to him when I called him on his birthday (January 6) or sent him an email. We would make plans to hang out that (as I said above) never happened.  Anyway, I moved to Vegas & really lost touch with him then. His number changed & I would email him but then a lot of time lapse & I didn’t hear from him for a while . So, I’m going through an old email address searching for something & cleaning out some other things, find an old email address & send him a remember me email.  He actually replies & we kinda start emailing each other, again, not so periodically. Maybe twice a year.  Fast forward to my moving back to the STL in December’04 & I can’t remember if i emailed him or saw him or what but we actually started hanging out (go figure).

Our relationship now is kind of hard to wrap around the brain. We aren’t dating, but we hang out a lot. I’ve helped him out a couple of times with different things & vice versa. I met one of his cousins & he knows some of the same people I know. He met my dad once but that was before I moved back in ‘04 & I think it was without me introducing them. Are we friends (insert long pause here), I guess so. I mean it’ s a little weird. He isn’t really what I would call one of my traditional friends. My traditionally close friends I have a past with them. We’ve shared deeply intimate things together that bind us together be it experience, or happenstance. I’ve stepped into the homes, seen the embarrassing photos, & met the families of my traditionally close friends. Ric & I just have sporadic time conversing. If I had to combine all the time we’ve spent together subtracting the lapse in time when we didn’t talk at all I would have to say I’ve only known Ric for a year or two instead of the almost 9 years that it seems to be. Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining & I guess it doesn’t matter, no it doesn’t. But there are times when I look at him & think I don’t’ know him at all. Other times I look at him & think I’ve known him forever. Like I said our relationship defies labels. After talking to my wife Connie (I’ll explain that one day) I realize that I am a label person. Because with labels you know where your boundaries are. What you can & can’t do, what is & isn’t expected of you, and that label predicates how you will be treated & listed in the hierarchy of a persons life. Where is Ric in all this, well, I don’t know. He is kinda high on my list of important people, high to medium. Lot’s of things are going on in my life right now & I feel the need to define all my relationships & put them in a perspective & prioritize them. Probably because I’ll be 30 next month (you all already know I’m not all together, all together, all the time, whatever).

I say ALL of that to explain the return of Maxine Elizabeth Wade aka my car.  The police called me like four times on mt house phone but I was at work. While I was chatting on gmail with Queue she was kept typing in the word yes. I thought she had finally gotten the pie she’d been craving for weeks (she’s pregnant) & was having some kind of  pie orgasm on my gmail but alas I was wrong. She called me on my cell phone to let me know the police found my car & towed it.

Segue: Let me just say how much I think it royally blows that I had to pay $200 of my own money to get out a car that I didn’t steal. I have a police report, I have a claim# but because it’s my car I have to pay to get it out, moving on..

Everyone that I thought to call was at work. Jerry had the car & a muy grande importante project for work to do so I couldn’t  call him which ultimately left out Queue as well. Renata just got of work at 8am from working a 10 hour shift so I wouldn’t ask her (that would have been cruel, even for me). I couldn’t find my girlfriend Gigi (her phone was off), so I ended up calling my friend/cousin Billy. He said he would pick me up around noon (aces). My intention was to just call Ric to let him know they found my car. I never though tot call & ask him because the last time I talked to him (2days before) he was sick, that & he lives in BFE,MO (that’s St.Charles), were as I live in the city.  When I called him he insisted that he wanted to be the one to take me & I conceded to let him. Called Billy to cancel, but the kicker here is Ric told me he would be at my house in 30 mins & it took him an hour so I could have just had Billy come & get me anyway, but I digress. We went to the towing company which is really confusing if you don’t know your way around downtown. We get there & I find they only take cash (who knew).

Segue: This is just one of my many grievances with the city of St. Louis. They’re lack of movement into the 21st century. How many companies do you know that don’t take plastic? Not just plastic but a debit card (yo, it’s connected to my checking account, stupid head). Now I understand they have to pay the companies to have this service but dude, no one carries cash anymore. I’ve noticed that a lot of government & city official buildings only except cash & let me just say it blows.

Since again I didn’t have cash, Ric took me to my banks ATM, this would have been fine except I didn’t have all the cash I needed in the bank but I then remembered that I cash on me in my pants pocket (sweet). The downside to this little happy moment is that I left the cash in pocket of my pants I wore the night before (curse you aqua scum). Ric, being Clark Kent in disguise lends me the money till we can get back to my house. Oh, before all this they wouldn’t let me see the car till I paid for it but once again queue the cape, Ric drives to the towing lot that the cars are kept on & the guy lets us go look at the car. I hadn’t seen it since it was stolen so I didn’t know what to expect. Man I was a total girl that day, all the cars we passed before we found mine had something wrong with it.  If it wasn’t a window busted, the trunk was smashed, a door was taken off the frame, or all the tires were missing. So my vision is too blurry with tears of the unknown to look for my car at this point. When we do find my girl I go over it with a visual fine tooth comb. I see all the small dents know weren’t there before but all in all there’s nothing wrong with her. there was a piece of the back end that had come out but Ric popped that back in, everything else was cosmetic. The worse thing was the fact that whom ever stole Max smoked like a forest fire because they left 14 empty boxes of Kools cigarettes in my glove box. There were ashes everywhere, & she was filthy. I didn’t want to get in her, I’ll admit. So we left the lot, got the money, came back & paid to spring Max. The towing worker handed me a receipt & he also then handed me my keys (Errr?) Yes you read it properly, he handed me my keys. This takes a few seconds to process. Why, because the only other set of keys I had to the car I gave to Raquita.

History: A lot of things happened in the weekend before my car was stolen. What is important to note here is that Jerry cleaned out the truck & told me & Queue that my keys (those to my apartment & to my car) weren’t in the  truck. This caused me a bit of alarm since she is the only person besides myself that has a set. It is also note worthy to point out that the night my car was stolen from Queue’s neighborhood,they spray painted two other cars, firebombed two, & broke into Queue’s truck (although, you can’t really call it breaking in when she forgot to lock it).

Highly frustrated & deeply  infuriated I call Queue to tell her about the keys. She did apologize ( I think) but she also said she figured that’s what happened (Err?). In a previous post on this blog I remarked how sometimes when you call people you unintentionally pre-dialog the conversation you going to have with them. I must have done this because that was the last thing I expected her to say. I then have to remember that she is carrying a child again & from what I understand she’s acting a bit different than the last time emotionally. Does this knowledge do anything for my temperament, (uhhh, let me think, no) so I hang up with her.  Long story summed up, Ric parked his car so I wouldn’t have to drive mine while it was dirty, he got the outside & inside cleaned as best as they could in the cold, & took the car back to my house were he detailed it himself for about an hour & a half. I did ask if I could help with anything & he told me no, so it wasn’t like I was totally inept.

I don’t have many “girl moments”, I don’t like them. I can change a tire, the spark plugs, & the oil in my car. I pride myself on being independent when it comes to things that are quote unquote “male things” but on this day I really was a girl, I admit it. But come on man it’s my car, my baby. She still smells like a winno to me but everyone else says it’s not that bad. I have Ferbreezed, & Ferbreezed, & Ferbreezed some more but it hasn’t helped. I lit six sticks on Nag Chamba incense in the car at the same time withe the doors closed & the windows up & that hasn’t helped either. But I can’t complain because in retrospect it could have been 200 million times worse than what it was. Max is back home with a brake style club that fastens to the steering & the brake &  I am now the keeper of the keys. I told myself no matter what happens or what else is going on for at the very least two months I am not allowed to complain, God rocks & has allowed me to see once again that I truly am favored by Him. Thank you Lord for reminding me again just how awesome You are, I will try my best not to forget again.