Behind closed eyelids

Well my weekend was officially over around Monday afternoon. This week end Queue & I cooked (big shock there) for her younger sisters bridal shower. And as you can imagine it took two days to cook it all again. I sometimes wonder about us, I mean why does it take two days to cook a seemingly easy meal. OK yes everything we made was from scratch even with he few shortcut cheating things we did to save time. It took two days & we still weren’t done when the party actually started (again big shock). This time though we did have help. We call her sea-hag #3, in reality she’s Jerry’s (Queue’s husband) cousin’s (Ernest) girlfriend Renata (did you get all that) . She did really well seeing as how she said she doesn’t know how to cook that well.

I find that when there are more than three women in a space the noise amplifies to about a million.

Segway: I need to mention before I get too far into this that I had another shower to go to for the same day. My sister’s (i.e. best friend since high school) youngest brother Adima (yes, here we go again) is getting married & his fiance Roshini was having a shower on the same day. In truth I knew about this one way earlier than I knew about Renata’s (Queue’s sister) shower. The only difference with this one is that I didn’t have to cook for it. Why, cause my sister doesn’t know I can cook. OK she does but she doesn’t know I can cook that well. Anyway….

Back to the loud women. Dude, every one was trying to help set up the up stairs for the shower so they weren’t even going to use the downstairs right. But did that stop Queue’s mom from ambushing the house I trying to hide/ clean everything in site, no. But in all fairness Queue knew it was going to happen & tried to warn us so we really were too surprised. Women, I mean girlie girlie type women, are really into appearances. Queue’s mom made like three & four trips to her house to get stuff to make the house “presentable”. It was all really unnecessary too me but then again I am not a girlie girl. In truth I don’t think I was even invited to Renata’s shower but Queue is my ace. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t ( or haven’t ) done that I had the power too do to help her when she needs it & sometimes when she doesn’t think she needs it. Because like me she doesn’t ask for help very often.

Sidebar: Husband of the year award has got to be presented to Queue’s husband Jerry. He stayed for the whole shower to hep out. He was suppose to go hang out with his friends but just stayed downstairs & help clean the kitchen while I was gone to the other shower. Well, he did get a lap dance from the stripper that was there so I guess that was payment enough.

The downside to this is that Queue’s dad’s (okay last one) fiance Kim was accidentally not invited & it really really was an oversite. From my understanding Kim is listed on the wedding list as their dad’s “and guest” so it was just over looked that she wasn’t invited until it was too late. Queue’s dad was none to pleased (that’s the nice way to say it) & I got to find out on Monday that because of this innocent oversite we now have to have two showers. Why, I don’t know. I say she should just take Renata out to dinner & call it a day but noooooo, that would be too much like right. Too much like common sense. So why did that sea hag call me on my job & tell me we have to plan & cook yet another shower, for this Saturday afternoon. So that’s me, cooking, again, all damn day.

So I say this I think it’s time that Queue & I do one of two things; 1) we actually open the restaurant we joke over & start charging these people ( I don’t care if they’re family or not) for the pimptacularness that is the parties we put together. Or 2) just start making regular party food. Ya know like normal people make for functions (i.e. Swedish meatballs, veggie & fruit trays, chicken winglettes (is that what those things are called) . Anyway I digress, I don’t think we have it in us to actually make food like that but if we did maybe people would stop asking up to cook so much. It’s not that I mind but by the time the event is over me & Queue are just looking at each other like strangers. Strangers that are too tired & sore to move from where ever we happen to have planted ourselves when the last of our energy has tapped out. I was so tired I don’t remember falling asleep Sunday night. I woke up at like three in the morning like where’d everybody go.

I love Queue, I really do. But sometimes I jsut want to put her in an isolation chamber & cut off her oxygen supply for like 2 minutes. I don’t want to kill her, she’s my best friend & she did send me this really funny weddign clip to make me feel better;

http://www.wearefunny.com/stupid-people-videos/wedding-accident.html

There are just certain criteria that just make TV & movies great no matter what their content. Anybody that runs into a glass window or door, well, that’s just good TV.

I haven’t posted in a week or so, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had tons of stuff happen in that time. I have officially become a bad kid. And in truth I’m really starting to be okay with it. It worried me at first, I’ll admit, but that’s because I’m not a bad kid normally. The first week of my bad kidness (?) I was over analyzing everything & by the end of this week I was kinda numb. Set with the mind that what I did can’t be changed, but I will try not to let it happen again. What did I do? I wouldn’t be a poet if I didn’t write about it so I will give you my experience that way. I’m trying to format my poems differently so please bear with me. And to quote Eryka Bad ass (Badu, for those who aren’t fans) I’m an artist & I’m sensitive about my shit…..

La Nuit (The Night)

You were chosen

Albeit an unlikely choice but one that curiosity & fascination presented itself

Quenching thirst 652 days long, sated but not fulfilled

Skin searches skin needing to connect

Callous palms seek soft curves, exploring bountiful plains of flesh

Satin fingertips touch textured ridges of masculinity

Fingers probe insides, gliding along wet walls. Awakening senses once dormant, thought to be forgotten.

Nails scratch curly follicled surfaces gently grazing the length & tip of hardened conquest yearned for.

Liquid kisses hum mantras on vertical lips swollen, intoxicating

Eyes close capturing memories in the depths of dungeons slumber

Life giving juices linger on lips & in throats

No whispered promises of tomorrow reach ears. Only gentle cries & name calling

Just here

Just us

Just now.

Whew, I haven’t written a post all week. And here it is at the end of the week & I have nothing of extreme consequence to show for it. Every bill I have is either due or past due. I still haven’t found another job although, I do have an interview tomorrow morning at 10:45am. That ’s really early (for me anyways) but I already know what I want to wear & the place is only like 5-10 mins away. I was talking to my friend Maury the other day & we were just talking about how we were brought up in such a way that developed our personalities. I think it was the first time I was ever able to express the fact that I keep most things to myself because I have trust issues. I know for a fact that I don’t tell my immediate family anything. My friends are my extended family but even then I find it hard to share some things with them.

Especially my best friend. Which is weird,  cause you should be able to tell your best friend anything, right? Well, I find that my best friends opinion means more to me than anything & I would hate to disappoint her in any way. It’s never a competition between us because quite frankly I sometimes envy her a great deal. She has a really great family envy with their quirks. All families have these I know but I think what I’m most envious of his the fact that she likes them. They fight & all but end the end they are down.

My family has never had big dinners were everyone comes over, not since I was about 17. My grandmother doesn’t cook anymore & I’m the only one that was in the kitchen helping her to learn her cooking secrets. I usually liken my family to vultures or locus because they will suck the life out of anything. They can completely destroy a car. It always seemed that all the cars would break at once except one & everyone would need to get around in the one car. They would never be mindful of the car’s owner’s schedule & would get upset if the owner would have to say no. You gotta understand, I grew up in a house were you just did what you were told without question.    There was no such word as no or I’m not going to be able to. You just did it. Now that I’m grown up it’s easier fr me to say no although I rarely do. It’s also hard for me to ask for help. There are times when I regret not talking to my family but then I start to think about the meaningless arguments over nothing they would have & I don’t have the strength to care. I like my older cousin & her youngest daughter the best though. Although I have a hard time trusting her too. My thinking is if I can’t trust you then I have no reason to talk to you. Nothing specific going on with the fam they’ve just been on my mind lately. I haven’t even scratched the surface of family ties. This has jut been about my mom’s side. I haven’t even started on my dad’s side which suffice it to say is on an entirely different side of the spectrum. The level of omission, lies & backstabbing that goes on with those people…

Anyway this isn’t what I started to post about. I was kind a bad kid. But strangely enough I don’t feel guilty about anything I did last night & that conserns me a little. I’ll post about it once I figure out how I feel. (gotcha Queue, you’re just gonna have to wait).

I am of the belief that everyone, no matter age , weight, color, creed, or height, somewhere inside of them is an inner sexy. People, in their own right, are beautiful. I also believe that sexy is a state of mind. To quote Kat Williams, “Self esteem is the esteem of yourself. How can I effect how you feel about you”. And that’s real talk, if you think you’re sexy then you are. If you think your ugly, well then you probably are.

I say all this to say that lately I’ve been feeling kinda like I want to let my inner slut out. Not so much at to get myself into trouble. But I find that for the 3 to 4 days after my monthly cycle I get this sex kitten attitude & get the need to be touched by callous male hands. I understand that the estrogen levels are super high & unbalanced during this time but man, how come I can’t just have a bitchy mood swing or something. I would prefer the latter seeing as how there isn’t anyone here (in St.Louis) that I can have a sexual relationship, not really. I’m a bit of a prude when it comes to sexual escapades, seeing as how I’ve only been sexually active for the last three years. But not sexually active since I was 27, I’m 29 now. It would be great to be able to pick some random piece of flesh up at a bar & let him have their way with me &, as Queue says, get my back banged out, but in reality I just don’t think I would be able to go through with it. I’m a little afraid of guys in the sense that if anyone really tried to pursue me I think I’d run. I love to flirt, flirting is fun. You have to be careful though because some people take flirting way too seriously. Whenever I flirt I have no intention of doing the things I say. I have never been the chick you’d find making out with some random guy at a party in the corner. Sometimes I wish I was but then again I don’t.

There is no such thing as a functional house hold. It simply doesn’t exist. Unfortunately many people, in some way, shape, or form have been abused. Be it mental, physical, or emotional. I have been all three. I was a thick child when I was younger & as such was the victim of many joke because let’s face it kids can be cruel. Adults, I found while growing up can be (& were) much much crueler. Especially the men. I do think suggestions can be planted when made in repetition. So, if you’re told you’re fat, ugly, & stupid enough you’ll start to think you are. No matter how often you tell yourself you’re not. What I find with myself is that I know I’m not ugly. I lean toward the modest with this one. I know I will never be model pretty & the beauty pageants have learned to live with out me but I don’t think I do to bad in the looks department. Superficially speaking, of course. I haven’t been told I need to go live under a bridge like a troll, villager aren’t running after me with pitch forks & torches, & I haven’t caused any mirrors to crack spontaneously when I looks at them. I will admit to a far amount of intelligence that’s comparable to most people. I mean I like to read & am open to learning new things. I’m not trying to toot my own horn, just explain my prudishness. Even with all the good qualities I know I posses, there are times when I still feel like that fat ugly kid. I don’t know who’s fault it is, if in fact it’s anyone’s fault at all. It’s just how I feel.

Last night was Legacy and for a Friday it wasn’t all that bad. I had a date of sorts with Ric, aka, Superman since he literally saved the day this past week with connecting me with someone to fix my window. We had Indian food at this buffet place & then we went to the park & swung on the swings. We sat & talked for hours & then I went to Queue’s & then to Legacy. After my date with Superman I felt that it was time to let the inner sexy come out & flirt. And flirt I did, a lot. The energy in the building at Legacy was sex. Dude form the music to the poetry it was all primal raw energy. For me it was frustrating as hell. I have no one to go home to to vent & put that energy to good productive use. I need to have a talk with Superman. We need to get some things ironed out & concrete. Cause I find that when I entertain these carnal thoughts about other people & feel al little guilty like I’m cheating on him & that shouldn’t be cause in for real real reality we’re not exclusively dating. I don’t’ even think we’re dating dating. I really don’t know what we’re doing. Maybe if I can get him away from his family on this Sunday for a little while we can talk. Because I like being touched & if he isn’t going to do it then I need to focus my energy into finding someone else that will.

Hmmm……I wonder if that sexy 60% cocao man that was at Legacy last night will come back next Sunday. He just might get bit if he does. I like dark chocolate.

So, this weekend sucked royal. I wasn’t in the best of moods to begin with, haven’t been for sometime now but I was putting up a really good front. I thought.

Anyway it all started on Friday. It wasn’t really too bad in retrospect from the rest of my weekend. I lost my phone, maybe misplace is a better word since I knew it was in Que’s house somewhere. I had it & then I just didn’t. I had the blanket I was working on so I looked in that bag like four times (remember that). Not only did I look in my blanket bag but so did Que & Ronata (remember that, too). I went to Legacy & that was a bit of a headache. Only because you can never really tell from week to week what the crowd is going to be like. Well, last Friday we had two feature poets, two visiting poets from out of town, a production company was shooting a scene for their short film during the set, & a full list of people for open mic night. A little crazy but everything worked out end the end. Que was going to stop by with some cupcakes for Capital J (Floyd’s wife) but never showed.

Sidebar: You’ll have to read her blog, raquita.blogspot.com or raquita.wordpress.com (I don’t know where she’ll post) to get the situation with the cupcakes in detail. I wan’t there but from what I heard it wasn’t a good night for baking.

Anyway, I got out of Legacy around 6am because Noch, Blue, Maury, & myself all sat up talking & laughing, a lot.  Before I went to work on Saturday I went back to Que’s to see if I could find my phone. I couldn’t call it because I knew the battery was low & I couldn’t remember if I put it on silent of soft because Que’s grandmother was using the house computer to take some kind of test & I didn’t want my ringing phone to disturb her. I looked everywhere I could think of again but still didn’t find it. I went to work on Saturday afternoon & as I said in previous post, work for me as of late just kind of past in a blur. Nothing different here except sometimes I’m a supervisor on Saturdays. And as a supervisor I have to make sure things run smoothly. What I end up doing is staying till 1am instead of 11pm because one of my associates didn’t show up & there has to be at least two people on the phones at all times. The associate didn’t call so I didn’t know how long I was going to have to stay. Thankfully she showed up & I didn’t have to stay till 4am.

Sunday, I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t have enough energy to get out of bed. There is like a million things I need to do, plus my house looks like a stripper lives there because of all the clothes on the floor. Plus I still need to figure out how to pay these two bills that are suppose to come out of my account on this Tuesday. On the plus side I did pay my rent for October.

Sidebar: Oh man I totally forgot to post about the rest of my Friday. Dude, I was being the responsible chick I can be sometimes & went to go send off my rent, right. So after I go the cashiers check from the bank I drive around for a while looking for a post office. I found out later that I past like two of them in my travels that day. Lost some time in Wall Mart getting the rest of the things I need for the bathroom & ended up going to a post office way the hell out of my way since it was close to 5pm. I needed the post office because I didn’t think I had any stamps to just put it in a mail drop. Turns out I did, I just needed to use two of them because they’re so old they’re $.37 instead of $.39 ( I don’t mail things that often, can you tell).

Okay back to Sunday, I wake up around 12 noon, get up & drive to Que’s. I must still be sleep cause as I’m driving I fell really dizzy like somebody spiked the air or something. I get there with the sole purpose of finding my phone & going back home cause I really don’t feel like being around my friends. Cause they’re going to notice something’s wrong, then I’m gonna have to explain & I really don’t feel like it. That didn’t work because I ended up crying in front of Ronata ( a little) & I had to sneak out on Que cause she wanted me to talk to her (which I still haven’t done, not really). I found my phone, & get this, it was in the bag where my blanket was. Dude, I was through. I just wanted to go home but I couldn’t drive just yet so I sat on the couch & went to sleep for a minute. I did go back home but called Que back & told her I would go to the Taste of St. Louis with her, Cammie, & Ronata. It was surprisingly okay.  The food was passable the price for regular drink was offensive ($3 for soda or water) & the price for liquor was insulting ($6 for a what 8oz cup). We stayed to watch The Roots perform which was good, they played for like an hour & a half. Cammie, being the cuteness that she is, used her Jedi mind tricks & hung out with theses white girls (see que’s blog) then we left. This is when the vortex started to swallow me whole. We park & I’m looking at my car that’s parked on the side (nothing unusual there) I notice the back window looks a little strange but at first glance it appears it’s wet. Kinda looks like someone was watering their grass & got my car wet (no biggy). However when I get closer I notice that it isn’t water, the back window has been shattered to pieces & a small hole is in the the back window. I sort of loose it for lack of a better phrase. I send Que to question her neighbor, since it’s their house I’ve parked in front of. Well, apparently the misguided youth of my best-friend’s neighborhood were playing ball & hit my window. They, being the fatherless-no-home-training bunch of semi hooligans that they are, said they “think” that someone “may” have hit the window with a ball. Or it “looked” like the window was hit by a ball. Whatever the case no one is outside now, & it’s past 9pm. So the only thing the neighbors know is that it was fine at 6:30pm & it was fine at 7:30pm but the kids came around his door between 8:00pm -9:00pm when we got home. I went to the second floor of Que’s house & just sat & cried. Of all days for this to happen, I really really didn’t want it to be today.

I’ve been praying a lot more than a normal lately. At first I just thanked God  for keeping me safe & bringing me as far as I am. I didn’t want to asked for anything for anyone I’ve just been praying he keeps my friends & my family safe. However, yesterday, I had to… I don’t know force pray? I was talking to God trying to get a sense of what the lesson was that I was suppose to be learning with this particular trial that He’s allowed in my life. I still don’t know what it is. It’s important for me that whenever I talk to God that I acknowledge the good things first. Nothing was taken out of car. The glass, although shattered to pieces, was still in the window. I hadn’t rained, & everyone (including the kids) were safe. that’s what’s important. No amount of ranting & raving is going to undo what’s been done. Even though at the time I really wished I hadn’t gotten out of bed.

Let me just say I adore my friends. I am so blessed when it comes to them I can’t even being to describe it in the right words. Ric, who I’ll talk about more later, is connecting me with a friend of his to gt the window fixed at a pretty good rate. Ronata, is lending me the money to pay for the window. Queue, well Queue is just being Queue. Which is more than enough. I don’t know how I’m going to repay them all for being there but I’ll think of something.

I have an apartment. It’s not a very big apartment, small in fact when you consider how much I pay for it ($500/mo) & the cost of living expenses for the state of Missouri. The kitchen is too small for my taste since I like to cook but considering the fact that I looked for apartments for like two months & this was the only one I liked, I signed a lease for a year. So, I’m officially a big kid. Tons & tons of things happened before I got the keys & I almost lost the apartment because I was working an obscene amount of hours & I lost some days in the process. Missed a meeting to sign the lease with my now landlady & she was none to pleased about that let me just say. Anyway I missed another meeting to sign the lease (not my fault this time) & had to pay like two months in advance (yes folks that’s a big $1000. Hurts my chest whenever I think about it, even now). Yea me, anyway I picked this space with the premise of not moving again until I buy a house. Now that I have this apartment I need to furnish it. Here is were it becomes a little sticky. I lived here before & had a small apartment as well. When I left my dad helped me by placing my things in storage at the time I thought he was placing it in a building that he owned because that’s what he told me. At the time I would never second guest what my father said. Skipping the unpleasantries that resulted in me not talking to my dad currently. I don’t have all of the things I did when I left. So I’ve been decorating. Or at least tossing around some decorating ideas. There have been a few snags however, along the way. One, I can’t paint my walls. My land-people said they have some kind of contract with a professional painting company that has them doing routine patch & paint jobs to the apartment.

Just a sidebar here, these “professional” painters, painted the front door to the building shut. Cause they closed it before the paint could dry. So for like three weeks no one could get in through the front of the building. I digress…

The no painting thing isn’t really an issue because the colors aren’t that bad. The living room & bedroom are like this earthy fawnish brown. It’s really warm looking. The kitchen & the bathroom are this bright sunrise yellow. The issue I have is that I want my bedroom to be a bit cooler colored & I found this really pretty green. Actually it’s Behr paint color name Kiwi Squeeze. It’s not soft enough to be a pastel & it’s not dark enough to make the room feel like a closet.

I decided to give separate themes to my living spaces. Not so much that it’s obvious but enough of a distinction. The living room is in sunset earth tones. Rust, burnt orange, tans, berry colors. The kitchen I’ve conceded will be a cobalt-sapphire like blue, hunter green, white. Why, well all my dishes are blue & white. The kitchen table I have that was a gift is hunter green. And all the paneling & the big accessories (fridge, stove) are white. I’m trying to tone down all that yellow. It’s a bright good-morning- it’s-breakfast-time- let’s- start-the-new-day kind of yellow. The bathroom, instead of toning down I’m incorporating the yellow. I did a seascape kinda thing. I’m not overly decorative. I had a shower curtain at my last apartment that I got back that wasn’t too busy-looking. I has some sea shells & starfish on it, vertical striped, three colors (light sky blue, darkish sea-foam green, violet), it works.

I’m tackling one room at a time. I started with the bathroom because it was the smallest room. I put in a stainless steel storage shelving rack for the towels above the toilet, a small glass shelf above the sink for soap & stuff. I got a chrome towel rack that goes hangs off the door. Chrome shelves for inside the shower. I got these white storage drawers for all the other bathroom stuff & a white manual clock. I’m almost done. I just need to find something to secure the long mirror to the wall & frame & hang these ocean view pictures. I’s like to have a live plant in there, maybe some eucalyptus. I don’t know, I’m kinda excited though which is a big thing since every time someone asked me how the apartment is, I tell it’s fine but clearly not enthusiastically but I’m working on it. Slowly but surely I’m working on it.